I think, perhaps, that my last post was slightly misinterpreted, or rather, I may have not explained myself the way I intended.  Thus the following.

Why does one blog?  How does one blog?  What is the point of blogging anyway?  Why this recent obsession with writing in an online journal?  Is it so different than a normal journal?  Most importantly, at least to me, why do I blog? 

My blogging started several years ago, a friend told me about a blog ring for people who worked at a certain summer camp.  It was initially a way for people to keep in contact and keep everyone updated as to what was going on in your life.  It sounded like a great idea, and in the begging it was little more than that.  It did not take long, however, until peoples blogs became their platform.  All the worlds a stage and this web blog is mine.  People would grand stand about some topic that they felt strongly about, others would tell of their day or their struggles.  Some would preach at you others would try to be funny, some would do both.  All in all, everyone blog's began to take on their own personality.  In some ways it was very interesting to watch, in a few cases it was very troubling.  Arguments would break out over what someone would say and friendships were damaged.  The sheer arrogance the blog's could bring out was astounding.  In my own case, I rededicated my blog to this or that through the years but none of the causes or services ever really stuck.  I would go months without writing anything at all, until something precipitated my coming back and writing something.  The whole experience has left me shaking my head in wonder and asking myself, "what's the point?".  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why share our thoughts when we do not even know who will be reading it?  Why do we lay ourselves open to others on the internet but keep ourselves isolated from such intimate contact in person?   

People blog about a variety of things for a variety of reasons.  They blog about a cause, or they put up bible studies, or they put up anti-bible studies.  Some blog about their daily lives while others put up inspirational works in hopes of reaching someone.  Some people believe they have a responsibility to blog and in a way if you are going to blog, depending on what you are writing about, there might be some responsibility you may feel to your reader.  Some people blog about hate, others about love and still others about apathy.  But what is the reason behind it?  As I examine my own blogging and intentions behind it, and I read the blogs and learn about the people that write them, it seems there is a deeper reason that people blog.  I know people will say it is for attention, and for some that could be a very large underlying cause.  Others will say it is a creative outlet, or it is to help people, or it is for whatever reasons they want to put forward, and thats fine.  But, I truly believe, and this could change, that people blog to be known.  So that someone somewhere can know who they are, really know what makes them tick.  It is a safe way to show oneself without being judged by ones physical attributes or bias based on past knowledge but for people to know them because through their writing that is what they are revealing.  There is nothing wrong with this, but in reality, I question myself when I find this motive to be central to my blogging.  It forces me to look at other aspects of my life and say "why am I doing this?".  As I examine my own purposes in life it forces me confront the very way I am living my life.

I don't know what the ramifications are to this.  I don't even know why my mind has decided to ponder this for the past week or so.  I just know that this has been on my mind and has led me to more and more reconsider the way I blog, that I blog, and more importantly, and strangely, my life in general .  I don't think I sought out recognition for my blog or for any advertisement of my blog until the facebook link became available.  Then I was like "oh more people reading about me".  I felt as if I was doing this all wrong and coming at it from the wrong perspective.  It made me stop and think, sadly it did not make me hit the skip button instead of the publish button. 

I'm not knocking blogging.  I'm not trying to demean it.  I'm just trying to make some sense of my life and how I am living my life and this is just one of the avenues that has helped channel that internal struggle.  So flame on cruel world, I really don't care at this point.  This has more to do with finding a purer way of living, a cease to my constant struggle for control, a new perspective on life or a redirection to an old perspective more focused on God and less on myself.  In a way, oh mighty world of bloggers, this has nothing to do with you.  So what was the point in typing this up anyway?  

I'm tired, what's new right?  Most people who know me can tell you 80 percent of the time you ask me how I am my response will be "I'm tired".  It is something I am actually conscious of, or try to be.  It's a response most people could give but not something I want to give.  Most of the time I'm fine, not good not bad just fine.  To much stress, not enough sleep usually just adds to this feeling of blah I walk around with most of the time.  I know I shouldn't, I should drag myself up by my boot straps and just get on with life.  But, really, waiting to get married to start my life anew just makes me feel like life is on hold right now.  On the opposite side of that coin, I feel like I should be doing something, or perhaps many things. 

There are so many things I need to work on in my life right now.  Perhaps I should correct that and say there are so many things I need God to work on in my life right now.  Well...maybe it's not I need God to work on but I need God to put some change in my life.  I am not entirely comfortable with any of those statements and can not for the life of me put my finger on why. 

I need to quit smoking (I know this is a recurring theme), I need to get back on my bike and really focus on this losing weight thing.  I need to step up more on my wedding planning (this is something I am actually actively trying to do).  I need to keep in contact with my friends more often, I need my friends to keep in contact with me more often as well.  Life just gets going and you look around and realize "oh crap I meant to call so and so, or write so and so".  I find myself sending emails and fb messages that start with "sorry i haven't been in touch" followed by some excuse about life.  In reality, it should be followed by the truth of how I got wrapped up in my own little world and totally forgot about the people I cared about because I'm to selfish not to see past my own crap.  A lot of that going around I guess, at least I hope that is the case otherwise the entire thought would be far more depressing than I originally thought.

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DISCLAIMER

I'm writing this at work, i keep pausing to work and coming back to it when I have brief moments between taking calls/paper work.  I know, this is an odd place for a disclaimer, but in reality I don't honestly believe that many people even read this, so I guess, this blog, like most blogs, is done simply as a form of self gratification. 

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I have a wedding coming up.  I am utterly stoked to be getting married but the further the planning gets the less excited I am about the actual event.  In the back of my mind I think I have always wanted a wedding ceremony in front of my friends and family, but now, in a strange twist, I'm just ready for the I do's and see y'all in a couple weeks part.  If nothing else the money involved (while by no means staggering) just blows my mind.  Combine that with the fact that every little detail has to be looked at and decided on.  I think it is a very raw deal to hand a couple in a way.  Here we are going to change your relationship when you get engaged to this amorphus standby situation, then we are going to thrust this massive ceremony and celebration at you to plan while your still trying to figure out what this whole engagement thing is about.  Give me a break, relationships are a lot of work, anyone who has ever had one worth a hill of beans can tell you that.  Add to that life stress, work stress and then this whole engagement thing, the planning phase is really just adding insult to injury.  At the beginning it was kinda' fun.  We want this, don't want that, then everyone else has their wants for your ceremony.  "Oh, we just want the best for you" is what they say, what I hear is "I want this for you but i'm not going to listen to what you actually want".  I know it is my wedding.  It is one of the most important days of my life.  It is the beginning of something new and exciting.  I'm trying not to be selfish about it and we have made a whole boat load of compromises.  Yea I could go on and on about this for far to long and I still don't quite understand it all well enough to vent without the fear of sounding...unappreciative...conceited?...i don't know. 

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I feel if I let myself I could have a running commentary on whatever filtered through my mind though out the course of my workday.  Being ADD as I am that could get scary or stupid very quickly so I shall stop here.   Perhaps one night when I am especially thoughtful I will try it.  Tonight is not the night. 

Sleep is for weak girly men! (said in my best swartzenegger voice, and no i don't care that  I can't spell that). 

Fine, GAH! so i'm weak, i need the sleep, i'm exhausted.  God, this is a ball, this is me throwing it in your court, I have to get sleep tonight.  Stupid brain, doesn't even have an off switch!

GAH~!

There was a time, when a doctor sat me down in his office and told me "addiction can be genetic, there is a very good chance you will be addicted to something".   My response was, of course, all pride and very little brains.  "No way in hell am I going to be addicted to anything".  I remember that visit very well.  It was my fathers doctor.  My father suffered from addiction, and so do I.  I never thought I would be addicted to anything, but I have proven to myself that I am.  I have tried to quit over and over again and am regularly confronted with my own failure to stop.  The whole experience leaves one feeling powerless over something so simple as your own actions.  It is entirely infuriating and completely depressing all at the same time.  I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.  I pray and I pray, I have people who pray with me, and  I just can't seem to lay it down.

I was supposed to have already started another attempt to quit, I feel as if I have failed before it has even begun for I have been cheating.  I find it almost laughable that  I even convinced not one but two people to quit with me.  One of them is starting tomorrow and I do not have a good feeling about it.  They have hope, and I fear they will look to me for strength, strength that I do not believe I have.  I fear that if I fail this time, I will not only fail myself again, I will also fail these two people who have put trust in me to walk a difficult road with them.  Not to mention failing the one person on this planet I love more than all others, save God himself. 

I would ask for help again as I did once before, but I know the mentality.  I've asked for help, for accountability for prayer so many times about this and each time I have let these people down.  So, I am not asking again, I am simply going to pray.  If you would like to say a prayer for me that will be wonderful and greatly appreciated.   I know that it is God and me and no other that can get this done.  It's time to take that knowledge from my head and let it live in my heart.  I  have no one to blame for my position but myself.  I know this but it's time to stop the self recrimination and start with the living for God. 

So, I have been remis in not updating this as I intended too.  So, just a quick update to keep people in the loop.  I have had many an idea for posts, I just haven't had time/inclination to write one.

A lot has happened I guess.  My fiance is back from school for break, which has been wonderful.  We are actually heading out tomorrow to the OBX to speak with vendors and such.  I spent Christmas with her family and had a blast.  She got me a PS3 (drool!) which is simply AMAZING.  I haven't really had a chance to play it but it was a really unexpected and very appreciated gift:) !! I got her a digital camera, she got it early cause she needed it.  All in all it was just a really nice time spent with family.  I realized, sitting there on Christmas morning looking around at all these gifts, just how truly blessed we are.  It was a rather humbling experience. 

Anyway, get to see a bunch of old friends tonight.  But first I have to get through a few more hours of work.  Peace to you all!